“What’s wrong?” I asked in complete bewilderment.

“The baby birds had to leave the nest.  They’re all gone, and the mama is all alone.”

I swooped him up into my arms consoling him as I realized that this game concluded with the mother eagle landing on her nest as her young fledglings were ready to leave the nest.  The last scene was the four birds flying off into the sunset as the mother bird watches on. My heart was touched that my sweet boy did not think it was such a good thing for the young birds to leave home, and thinking about him leaving for college in 2011 was a faraway glimmer for me at this point.

Time Really Does Fly

As you guessed it, 2011 was here before I knew it. My 18-year-old had survived his father’s and my mistakes in parenting to become a really bright, well-rounded young man who cared about his family, friends and community, but most importantly, he had a strong sense of who he was in Christ.

The bittersweet reality is our job as a parent is truly to instill an honorable worldview in our children, to ultimately encourage them to become freestanding, independent humans who think and ask questions….and know what they believe and why they believe it...and who demonstrate kindness, integrity and love to all those who cross their path.  After that, we are supposed to let them go.  Gulp.  That last part is what I seemed to keep forgetting as I galloped down this parenting path.

“To raise a child who is comfortable to leave you, means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach them to soar on their own.”  Anonymous, insightful parent

Leaving the Nest

As much as I didn’t want to think about him leaving for college, I knew this was ultimately our goal.  My parents had instilled in me a sense of independence, so I credit them for my insight to try and prepare Grant for some of the practical situations he may be about to encounter on his own.  He thanked me years later for insisting he complete my task list as some of his college friends fell apart on their own.

Here are a few helpful “pushes” out of the nest:

• Be sure your son/daughter knows how to make a doctor’s appointment.  Make them do this before they leave...dentist, doctor.  They will complain about it, but make them do it anyway.
• Have them go to the bank to open an account in their name in person, not just on-line. They need more time with face-to-face dealings with people. Have them do all the talking and paperwork. Link this account to yours for an easy way to transfer money while they are in college.
• Teach them (if you haven’t already) a few simple meals to make--spaghetti, stir-fry shrimp etc. They will be out of the dorms before you know it as many like to get their own apartment their sophomore year of college.
• Make them do the laundry---the sorting, the soap dispenser, the fabric softener, the folding…..the works. This may save your son from turning his white shirt pink because he didn’t remove the red t-shirt from the mix.
• Make them return something to a store and have to deal with a sales clerk/manager. Oh, they will really balk about this one, but this is an important skill to have as there are many times that they will need to be able to confront a problem in a professional way.
• Teach him/her how to sew on a button. This sounds silly, but I forgot to do this one and my son called me last minute when a button fell off the shirt he needed to wear to a sorority formal.  Imagine trying to explain this to him over the phone.  Even with FaceTime, button sewing loses translation when not done in person.
• Teach your son how to tie a tie. Another blunder on my side.  I thought his dad had done this, but I should not have assumed. This time Grant was in person with me and we laughed until we cried as we watched a YouTube video trying to put the tie into some kind of assemblage.

The Empty Nest

You may find yourself feeling sad, anxious or even depressed about your son or daughter leaving for college.  All the while, he or she can seem oblivious to your distraught feelings. Psychologists say arguing actually increases in families as a young adult is about to leave the nest.

In a 2010 Psychology Today article, F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W., seems to sum up this part of the journey really well, “Just when you are feeling sad and vulnerable about the upcoming separation from your beloved child, it seems like anything you say or do can provoke a fight. You feel like an innocent victim of your almost college student's unpredictable irritability. And in a way, that's exactly what you are. As if it were not enough that you are struggling with your own sadness and multiple anxieties about sending this not-yet-adult out to fend for him or herself, you are also expected to cope with their irritability and self-centeredness, which often seems to reach record heights in the period before they leave.”

For a parent who has poured his/her life into raising children, the feeling of uncertainty and bittersweet emotions over this new chapter in life can feel daunting. Why didn’t anyone tell me  that I would go through a type of grieving as my only child went off to college? I felt a bit confused at how sad I was about my son leaving for Baylor because after all, this was what we were working toward for all these years.  Wasn’t it?   I have come to discover that these types of feelings are very normal.

• Try to understand that your young adult offspring may not have perspective on how hard it is for you to let her go.
• Be kind to yourself. Anything that is a loss requires a process of grieving.  It’s normal to have to give yourself time to process this huge change in your life.
• If you find yourself struggling more than you feel is normal, be sure to talk with someone to help you gain perspective (another parent with kids in college, your pastor, a counselor)
• Realize that this is a new start for you, as well. Ask God what He has in store for you in this new chapter of life. This can be a vibrant and wonderful stage in your own life as well as your child’s.
• Your relationship will change with your adult son or daughter. You will go from a teacher and coach... to close friend. That is possibly the greatest reward in all of this.

The Birds Flock Back

I now have an almost 25-year-old son who is in cyber security, jetting off around the world, going through more international airports than I’ve ever seen. Although he is out on his own, the bond we have is never-ending. He is now my best friend (next to my husband) and we talk every Sunday, sharing our own adventures and life stories with one another. We make it a point to get together at least once a month to laugh and talk over Chicken Satay at our favorite Thai restaurant.

I also gained two step-sons along this journey, a daughter-in-law and two wonderful girlfriends of the guys. There is nothing better than the sound of the laughter of all of them echoing through the house as we get together for a BBQ, birthday, or holiday. Yes, the nest is empty, but my heart is full.  We will always be the place they call home.