"No, Mommy!  Don’t leave me here!"

Your child wails, cries, and clings to your neck as he screams to go home with you.   The teacher gently pulls your child away from you and shuffles him into the classroom closing the door behind them. Your heart breaks in two and you begin to question your decisions, your parenting and your sanity. Is your child ready for school?  Are you scarring him for life??

 Should you walk away quickly as if tearing off a band-aid?  Should you go back in and try to reason with him (after all, 3 year olds are known for their reasonableness)?  What are the best ways to prepare yourself and your child for the first days (or even months) of preschool?  There are things you can do before the beginning of school to help lessen separation anxiety in a preschool child.

First of all, do not let the first day of school be the first time your child has ever been away from you. Begin this process early.  Leave your child in the care of other people even for just 20 minutes at a time.  This is good for both you and your little one.  Leaving your child in Sunday School while you attend church is a great way to begin alleviating separation anxiety in your child.  Additionally, your child might benefit from time with grandma or a trusted caregiver while you go to the grocery store or to work out.  After 18 months old, the fear of abandonment begins to fade. “Separation anxiety is an absolutely normal stage of development,” says Donald K. Freedheim, a child psychologist and director of the Schubert Center for Child Development.  “All children go through it; it’s just more visible in some than in others.”  Assure your child that you will be back.  Say “Mommy is going to run an errand and I will be back to see you in a short while.”  Then, kiss and hug your child and walk away.  Know your child will be cared for and loved on while you are gone.  Eventually, your child will understand that you will be back to pick him up, just as you promised. 

Second, plan to meet your child’s teacher and take a tour of the classroom prior to the first day of school.  This is what “Meet the Teacher Night” is for.  Walk around the room and talk about the fun activities your child will be participating in when he is in the classroom.  “Look, here are blocks you will get to play with when you come to school next week.  I’ll bet you can build a really tall tower.” You might go to the door where your child will enter school each morning and and walk to the classroom to show him the way.  Get excited with your child and talk about all the fun they will have. 

Third, establish a relaxed daily morning routine and DO NOT appear anxious, rushed or frustrated on your way to school. Make sure you allow yourself plenty of time to arrive and allow your child to walk into his class in a calm, relaxed manner.  It is quite upsetting for some children to walk into a room when everyone else is already there and class has started.  Even though the other children may just be exploring the room and playing in centers, a child who is late feels rushed, and out of place.  Think of how an adult feels if they are late for a meeting or a dinner.  It takes a while to settle and calm down after arriving.  Sometimes it is unavoidable and you will be late.  Explain to the child that school has started and you will try to be earlier tomorrow.  Tell him everything will be fine and once he gets settled, he will have a great day! If this causes some anxiety, you might consider kissing your child at the door and allowing an aid or another teacher to walk your child into class to help them get organized.  The classroom teacher can welcome the child once they are ready to join the group. 

Even the boldest, most outgoing child may have days when he or she does not want to leave you.  Take into consideration your child might be sick, tired or hungry.  The best things you can do for your child to have a successful day in school is to make sure he or she has a good breakfast, gets plenty of rest and has time to relax and enjoy the ride to school with you. Say a prayer together and ask God to grant peace over your child so that he is not anxious. Leave your child by telling him you will see him very soon and that you love him so much!  

 By the way, if you peek into the classroom after 5-10 minutes,  the child is usually happy and playing with friends, not a tear or sniffle to be seen!