One of my son, Grant’s very first video games was called Kirby. The year was 1999, and my almost seven-year-old had begged me for this Nintendo 64 game, and I reluctantly gave in to his pleas. He worked that game for months within his hour-and-a-half-a-day time limits--reaching new levels, defeating obstacles, working his way to the pinnacle moment when he finally “won” the game. Most surprisingly, instead of hearing the expected cheers over his hard-earned victory, I discovered tears coming from the family room.
“What’s wrong?” I asked in complete bewilderment.
“The baby birds had to leave the nest. They’re all gone, and the mama is all alone.”
I swooped him up into my arms consoling him as I realized that this game concluded with the mother eagle landing on her nest as her young fledglings were ready to leave the nest. The last scene was the four birds flying off into the sunset as the mother bird watches on. My heart was touched that my sweet boy did not think it was such a good thing for the young birds to leave home, and thinking about him leaving for college in 2011 was a faraway glimmer for me at this point.
Time Really Does Fly
As you guessed it, 2011 was here before I knew it. My 18-year-old had survived his father’s and my mistakes in parenting to become a really bright, well-rounded young man who cared about his family, friends and community, but most importantly, he had a strong sense of who he was in Christ.
The bittersweet reality is our job as a parent is truly to instill an honorable worldview in our children, to ultimately encourage them to become freestanding, independent humans who think and ask questions….and know what they believe and why they believe it...and who demonstrate kindness, integrity and love to all those who cross their path. After that, we are supposed to let them go. Gulp. That last part is what I seemed to keep forgetting as I galloped down this parenting path.
“To raise a child who is comfortable to leave you, means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach them to soar on their own.” Anonymous, insightful parent
Leaving the Nest
As much as I didn’t want to think about him leaving for college, I knew this was ultimately our goal. My parents had instilled in me a sense of independence, so I credit them for my insight to try and prepare Grant for some of the practical situations he may be about to encounter on his own. He thanked me years later for insisting he complete my task list as some of his college friends fell apart on their own.
Here are a few helpful “pushes” out of the nest:
The Empty Nest
You may find yourself feeling sad, anxious or even depressed about your son or daughter leaving for college. All the while, he or she can seem oblivious to your distraught feelings. Psychologists say arguing actually increases in families as a young adult is about to leave the nest.
In a 2010 Psychology Today article, F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W., seems to sum up this part of the journey really well, “Just when you are feeling sad and vulnerable about the upcoming separation from your beloved child, it seems like anything you say or do can provoke a fight. You feel like an innocent victim of your almost college student's unpredictable irritability. And in a way, that's exactly what you are. As if it were not enough that you are struggling with your own sadness and multiple anxieties about sending this not-yet-adult out to fend for him or herself, you are also expected to cope with their irritability and self-centeredness, which often seems to reach record heights in the period before they leave.”
For a parent who has poured his/her life into raising children, the feeling of uncertainty and bittersweet emotions over this new chapter in life can feel daunting. Why didn’t anyone tell me that I would go through a type of grieving as my only child went off to college? I felt a bit confused at how sad I was about my son leaving for Baylor because after all, this was what we were working toward for all these years. Wasn’t it? I have come to discover that these types of feelings are very normal.
The Birds Flock Back
I now have an almost 25-year-old son who is in cyber security, jetting off around the world, going through more international airports than I’ve ever seen. Although he is out on his own, the bond we have is never-ending. He is now my best friend (next to my husband) and we talk every Sunday, sharing our own adventures and life stories with one another. We make it a point to get together at least once a month to laugh and talk over Chicken Satay at our favorite Thai restaurant.
I also gained two step-sons along this journey, a daughter-in-law and two wonderful girlfriends of the guys. There is nothing better than the sound of the laughter of all of them echoing through the house as we get together for a BBQ, birthday, or holiday. Yes, the nest is empty, but my heart is full. We will always be the place they call home.