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The Battle:  How Cancer Changed Me

Posted by Jack Cross on Mar 20, 2018 9:30:00 AM

high school senior with cancer

Fighting cancer has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. The endless nausea and vomiting were overwhelming. At one point, I was nauseous for over a week straight. Cancer wrecked my body, and it made my emotions seem like they were caught up in whirlpool. At times, it made me question God’s love for me. The one thing that cancer did not do is break me.

I went into chemotherapy, thinking the treatment would be a breeze, but I was sorely mistaken. Thirteen hours after my first chemotherapy session, I was wrapped around a toilet, puking every ounce of food, liquid, and bile that my stomach could hold. This went on for weeks, and the constant vomiting led to severe weight loss. I lost twenty-four pounds of muscle and a little fat. I never realized how hard my life would be. I couldn’t do the things I enjoyed most. There was no more football, track, or skateboarding. My legs would give out whenever I tried to do something active.

Although I am cancer free now, the battle continues. I am trying to return to a normal life, but it isn’t easy. I am working out again to gain my muscle back, but it is a slow process. I hope to play sports again someday. Even then, it will take a lot of work to get back to what I once was: an athlete.

My experience with chemotherapy was really hellish. At times, the battle with cancer destroyed me emotionally. For instance, during chemotherapy, one of the hardest things was getting up every day, knowing  I had to face pain, nausea, and weakness. I knew I was going to suffer, and that awareness was grueling. For a while, the only time I felt any kind of peace was when I went to sleep for three or four hours; I did not have to think about my sickness then. I struggled emotionally, but the mental exhaustion I felt was nothing compared to the constant physical agony.

I do not think I could have made it without the help of God. At times, the battle was too much, but I knew God would not abandon me. I tried to keep a positive attitude through all the ups and downs. In fact, the one and only thing that helped me during my hardest hours was my relationship with Christ.

At the beginning, when I first got the news about my cancer, my heart fell into an abyss. I wondered, “Why me?” That question played over and over in my head, like a scratched record. But after a few days, the fear started to fade. I walked around the hospital, and everywhere I looked, I saw children half my age. Many of the patients were in wheelchairs, and they had shaved heads; they were nothing but skin and bones. The crazy part was seeing that the children had smiles on their faces. I was in complete shock. I had been asking “Why me?", but that question changed to: “How can they be happy?” I could not fathom how sick children could look so happy when most of them were going through all the chemotherapy and trying to recover from various surgeries. 

cancer journey of a high school senior

At this point, I started to feel alone. I wondered if I was the only person on earth who believed that nothing could be worse than the battle with cancer. I turned to God, but, to be honest, my relationship with Him was rough at first. I was so angry God would make me go through all of this, especially after my older brother had just died.

Then one day, someone told me something that changed my perspective.

He said, “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

I took this to heart. I started spending more time speaking with God. I will never forget the sense of relief I felt in the silent moments with God. My vomiting and constant nausea subsided during those moments, and I could feel my heart filling with more joy than I had ever felt before. I never would have guessed one small sentence would revolutionize my relationship with God the Father.

Looking back to the time of my diagnosis, I don’t think my old self would have believed that I could ever feel glad about my experience with cancer.

But it changed my heart.

It replaced my hatred with love, and it strengthened my mind tenfold.

I would never have become the person I am today had I not battled cancer.

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Topics: Faith